The Motorboat

I've heard that Newport News is a shipbuilding town.

Last weekend I went down to Newport News to be my friend Jay's date to his brotehr's wedding. I actually met up with Jay and fam in Richmond and we caravaned down to the Marriott in the City Center in Newport News to check in. The rehearsal dinner, ceremony and reception were all within the same area so the convenience of this wedding was really incredible. I was ready to get out of town anyway, and seeing a familiar face was too cool. Both Jay and his brother went to UVA and were a year apart so their shared friends all came down for the weekend, and so I got to essentially meet the extended family, and a few ex-girlfriends along the way too, which is always a fascinating endeavor!

I had a blast being a guest. I just waited to be told when/where to show up, and I did. Usually with a drink in hand for Jay, who had to contend with groomsman responsibilities. Saturday we went to breakfast and spent the better part of the afternoon with the groom, best man, and Jay's parents playing Wii boxing and baseball. I got a pedicure and tried really hard not to watch the bootleg copy of The Dark Knight that was playing in the salon. The ceremony was standard, very nice, brief, and this was the first time I was made aware that Newport News is in fact a shipbuilding town. Pastor Larry made this abundantly clear during the ceremony, and started in on a metaphor I could not for the life of me follow. But whatever, rings were exchanged, the bride was kissed, and then I was left to my own devices during the cocktail hour while the bridal party had their photos taken. God love an open bar, that's all I have to say. I made more friends between the cocktail hour and the reception. I realized halfway through that there was some misunderstanding about my relationship to Jay...a number of aunts, cousins, etc sought me out with a particularly scrutinizing eye and lots of questions, but everyone was sooo incredibly friendly, I can't imagine a nicer group of people to be with, having not known anybody at the start of the weekend. I love, love, loved the UVA friends and by 9PM we were all stuffed with food, alcohol, and had absolutely no shame on the dance floor, which as far as I'm concerned, is the best possible scenario for wedding guests.

After the bride and groom left, and the DJ was like, "no really, guys, the reception is over" we convened at the site of the rehearsal dinner, which turns a little thug and a little club after 10 evidently. The group was definitely conspicuous, as most bridal parties are, in tuxes and pink dresses. We toasted the absent bride and groom, ate spinach and artichoke dip and I just about spit out my drink when one of the guests (Claude, from North Carolina, who also came to be known as "what a douchebag") approached the best man's wife, Jessamay, and announced that she was a MILF. Her mouth dropped open and I burst out laughing. Her husband was out of earshot, and Claude, having ditched his girlfriend, went home with one of the other guests. It was a classy moment. Only to be followed up by my own kerfuffle with some Air Force pilots.

A pair of them sidled up to me at the bar with a story about a 21st birthday, blah, blah, blah, I was like, yeah, skip to the end if you could....at which point the elder of the two asked to give me a Motorboat. Internally, my own mouth dropped open, externally, and in disbelief, I said "Um, no." How do you respond to that anyway? I'm quite certain no one teaches that in cotillion. Their follow up strategy was to try and negotiate. I told them I felt certain that the I was going to. Attempted negotiation/complimenting my nice rack/pestering/why nots? continued, at which point I put my hands up and said, you know, I have a doctorate! Why this seemed like a legitimate reason to decline escapes me at the moment, but I think the train of thought went something like: well educated woman begets self respect, begets not opting to be degraded by strangers...but anyway. My final solution was to say something like -jeez, just get your hands off me- and then out of great benevolence I introduced them to one of the other wedding guests, whom I believe was an ex-girlfriend of the groom, with perhaps shaky character. When I turned back to Jay and friends, their collective mouths were hanging open, then a round of "I can't believe he said that to you!" I could not stop laughing. Only one particular moment of this whole altercation was captured on digital camera, which led me to the conclusion that men can be pigs :)

Anyway, hopelessly hungover and exhausted, I drove back to Richmond for a Psychology/Psychiatry social event Sunday afternoon and did nothing but eat. I may have hit the omelet bar twice. I didn't talk to anyone but my cohort of interns, and I think I went to bed at 8:00 on Sunday night. Pics are up on shutterfly of the wedding weekend!